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Fri, Jun. 3rd, 2005, 02:23 am

Here's to some quality time wiht my headphones and some amazing lyrics.

       

"Now that it's June
We’ll sleep out in the garden
And if it rains
We’ll just sink into the mud
Where it is quiet
And much cooler than the house is
And there's no clocks
Or phones to wake us up
Because I have learned
That nothing is as pressing
As the one who is pressing
Would like you to believe
And I'm content
To walk a little slower
Because there's nowhere that...
I really need to be
And I find that life is easier
When it is just a blur
With no details to confuse
Who or what or where I was

 

 

So when the ending comes
The full regret will seem obscure
But these are days we dream about
When the sunlight paints us gold
And this apartment could not be prettier
As we danced up there alone
And this TV's old
The color's fucked
Do you see the difference in the shades?
But the green's still close to green, my love
And I believe we are the same
And we’ll stay like this, all gold and green
Light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen 

 

 

 

 

And if you close your eyes we will always be
The way we were that night you crawled inside of me
And you slept in my blood
The way you sleep now
The quietest hush
Has consumed this house
And when the doctors have gone
And you sweat through the bed
With all these pictures and pills
They piled around your head
Just rest now
And in a moment you'll know everything
Was it all a dream?
It’s too vague now to recount
An outline of the one you loved
In a life that was
That no longer will be

Stands above you
As you sleep"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

        

               

lets always be as content as we are when we can't hear the world. we can stab our ears with knives and hear the music in our head when we feel the amps with our fingers. no, i never want to hear them scream again. traffic never sounded as pretty as when all the people walked blind and deaf in the streets.

my spirit floated out of me, my second self. we held hands and walked in the pavement between the buildings."You were the only one to every understand me." my lips never moved and it heard me through the pulsing of my veins and the way my brown rested above my eyes. We stepped over sleeping bodies with heads full of bad dreams like they weren't even there. It was perfect. Just me and the music.

Tue, May. 24th, 2005, 12:39 am

just ignore this. i just have to print it off at school tomarrow morning.

 

That story which the bold Sir Bedivere,
First made and latest left of all the knights,
Told, when the man was no more than a voice
In the white winter of his age, to those
With whom he dwelt, new faces, other minds.

For on their march to westward, Bedivere,
Who slowly paced among the slumbering host,
Heard in his tent the moanings of the King:

"I found Him in the shining of the stars,
I mark'd Him in the flowering of His fields,
But in His ways with men I find Him not.
I waged His wars, and now I pass and die.
O me! for why is all around us here
As if some lesser god had made the world,
But had not force to shape it as he would,
Till the High God behold it from beyond,
And enter it, and make it beautiful?
Or else as if the world were wholly fair,
But that these eyes of men are dense and dim,
And have not power to see it as it is:
Perchance, because we see not to the close;--
For I, being simple, thought to work His will,
And have but stricken with the sword in vain;
And all whereon I lean'd in wife and friend
Is traitor to my peace, and all my realm
Reels back into the beast, and is no more.
My God, thou hast forgotten me in my death:
Nay--God my Christ--I pass but shall not die."

Then, ere that last weird battle in the west,
There came on Arthur sleeping, Gawain kill'd
In Lancelot's war, the ghost of Gawain blown
Along a wandering wind, and past his ear
Went shrilling, "Hollow, hollow all delight!
Hail, King! to-morrow thou shalt pass away.
Farewell! there is an isle of rest for thee.
And I am blown along a wandering wind,
And hollow, hollow, hollow all delight."
And fainter onward, like wild birds that change
Their season in the night and wail their way
From cloud to cloud, down the long wind the dream
Shrill'd; but in going mingled with dim cries
Far in the moonlit haze among the hills,
As of some lonely city sack'd by night,
When all is lost, and wife and child with wail
Pass to new lords; and Arthur woke and call'd,
"Who spake? A dream. O light upon the wind,
Thine, Gawain, was the voice--are these dim cries
Thine? or doth all that haunts the waste and wild
Mourn, knowing it will go along with me?"

This heard the bold Sir Bedivere and spake:
"O me, my King, let pass whatever will,
Elves, and the harmless glamour of the field;
But in their stead thy name and glory cling
To all high places like a golden cloud
For ever: but as yet thou shalt not pass.
Light was Gawain in life, and light in death
Is Gawain, for the ghost is as the man;
And care not thou for dreams from him, but rise--
I hear the steps of Modred in the west,
And with him many of thy people, and knights
Once thine, whom thou hast loved, but grosser grown
Than heathen, spitting at their vows and thee.
Right well in heart they know thee for the King.
Arise, go forth and conquer as of old."

Then spake King Arthur to Sir Bedivere:
"Far other is this battle in the west
Whereto we move, than when we strove in youth,
And brake the petty kings, and fought with Rome,
Or thrust the heathen from the Roman wall,
And shook him thro' the north. Ill doom is mine
To war against my people and my knights.
The king who fights his people fights himself.
And they my knights, who loved me once, the stroke
That strikes them dead is as my death to me.
Yet let us hence, and find or feel a way
Thro' this blind haze, which ever since I saw
One lying in the dust at Almesbury,
Hath folded in the passes of the world."

Then rose the King and moved his host by night,
And ever push'd Sir Modred, league by league,
Back to the sunset bound of Lyonnesse--
A land of old upheaven from the abyss
By fire, to sink into the abyss again;
Where fragments of forgotten peoples dwelt,
And the long mountains ended in a coast
Of ever-shifting sand, and far away
The phantom circle of a moaning sea.
There the pursuer could pursue no more,
And he that fled no further fly the King;
And there, that day when the great light of heaven
Burn'd at his lowest in the rolling year,
On the waste sand by the waste sea they closed.
Nor ever yet had Arthur fought a fight
Like this last, dim, weird battle of the west.
A deathwhite mist slept over sand and sea:
Whereof the chill, to him who breathed it, drew
Down with his blood, till all his heart was cold
With formless fear; and ev'n on Arthur fell
Confusion, since he saw not whom he fought.
For friend and foe were shadows in the mist,
And friend slew friend not knowing whom he slew;
And some had visions out of golden youth,
And some beheld the faces of old ghosts
Look in upon the battle; and in the mist
Was many a noble deed, many a base,
And chance and craft and strength in single fights,
And ever and anon with host to host
Shocks, and the splintering spear, the hard mail hewn,
Shield-breakings, and the clash of brands, the crash
Of battleaxes on shatter'd helms, and shrieks
After the Christ, of those who falling down
Look'd up for heaven, and only saw the mist;
And shouts of heathen and the traitor knights,
Oaths, insult, filth, and monstrous blasphemies,
Sweat, writhings, anguish, labouring of the lungs
In that close mist, and cryings for the light,
Moans of the dying, and voices of the dead.

Last, as by some one deathbed after wail
Of suffering, silence follows, or thro' death
Or deathlike swoon, thus over all that shore,
Save for some whisper of the seething seas,
A dead hush fell; but when the dolorous day
Grew drearier toward twilight falling, came
A bitter wind, clear from the North, and blew
The mist aside, and with that wind the tide
Rose, and the pale King glanced across the field
Of battle: but no man was moving there;
Nor any cry of Christian heard thereon,
Nor yet of heathen; only the wan wave
Brake in among dead faces, to and fro
Swaying the helpless hands, and up and down
Tumbling the hollow helmets of the fallen,
And shiver'd brands that once had fought with Rome,
And rolling far along the gloomy shores
The voice of days of old and days to be.

Then spake King Arthur to Sir Bedivere,
And whiter than the mist that all day long
Had held the field of battle was the King:

"Hearest thou this great voice that shakes the world,
And wastes the narrow realm whereon we move,
And beats upon the faces of the dead,
My dead, as tho' they had not died for me?--
O Bedivere, for on my heart hath fall'n
Confusion, till I know not what I am,
Nor whence I am, nor whether I be King.
Behold, I seem but King among the dead."

Then spake the bold Sir Bedivere: "My King,
King everywhere! and so the dead have kings,
There also will I worship thee as King.
Yet still thy life is whole, and still I live
Who love thee; but who hates thee, he that brought
The heathen back among us, yonder stands,
Modred, unharm'd, the traitor of thine house."

Then spake the King: "My house hath been my doom.
But call not thou this traitor of my house
Who hath but dwelt beneath one roof with me.
My house are rather they who sware my vows,
Yea, even while they brake them, own'd me King.
And well for thee, saying in my dark hour,
When all the purport of my throne hath fail'd,
That quick or dead thou hottest me for King.
King am I, whatsoever be their cry;
And one last act of kinghood shalt thou see
Yet, ere I pass." And uttering this the King
Made at the man: then Modred smote his liege
Hard on that helm which many a heathen sword
Had beaten thin; while Arthur at one blow,
Striking the last stroke with Excalibur,
Slew him, and all but slain himself, he fell.

So all day long the noise of battle roll'd
Among the mountains by the winter sea;
Until King Arthur's Table, man by man,
Had fall'n in Lyonnesse about their lord,
King Arthur. Then, because his wound was deep,
The bold Sir Bedivere uplifted him,
And bore him to a chapel nigh the field,
A broken chancel with a broken cross,
That stood on a dark strait of barren land:
On one side lay the Ocean, and on one
Lay a great water, and the moon was full.

Then spake King Arthur to Sir Bedivere:
"The sequel of to-day unsolders all
The goodliest fellowship of famous knights
Whereof this world holds record. Such a sleep
They sleep--the men I loved. I think that we
Shall never more, at any future time,
Delight our souls with talk of knightly deeds,
Walking about the gardens and the halls
Of Camelot, as in the days that were.
I perish by this people which I made,--
Tho' Merlin sware that I should come again
To rule once more; but, let what will be, be,
I am so deeply smitten thro' the helm
That without help I cannot last till morn.
Thou therefore take my brand Excalibur,
Which was my pride: for thou rememberest how
In those old days, one summer noon, an arm
Rose up from out the bosom of the lake,
Clothed in white samite, mystic, wonderful,
Holding the sword--and how I row'd across
And took it, and have worn it, like a king;
And, wheresoever I am sung or told
In aftertime, this also shall be known:
But now delay not: take Excalibur,
And fling him far into the middle mere:
Watch what thou se{:e}st, and lightly bring me word."

To him replied the bold Sir Bedivere:
"It is not meet, Sir King, to leave thee thus,
Aidless, alone, and smitten thro' the helm--
A little thing may harm a wounded man;
Yet I thy hest will all perform at full,
Watch what I see, and lightly bring thee word."

So saying, from the ruin'd shrine he stept,
And in the moon athwart the place of tombs,
Where lay the mighty bones of ancient men,
Old knights, and over them the sea-wind sang
Shrill, chill, with flakes of foam. He, stepping down
By zigzag paths, and juts of pointed rock,
Came on the shining levels of the lake.

Fri, May. 20th, 2005, 09:15 am

i'm dust, settling simply to be uprooted again.

Fri, May. 20th, 2005, 08:30 am

Your Star Wars Pickup Line

"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"


Your Amazing Yoda Sex Line


"Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."




I went and saw Star Wars episode III last night. It was the very first episode that i have ever watched without falling asleep. It was an amazing feat. It was a bundle of fun. I thought i wasn't going to be able to see Tyler again before i moved b/c i didn't work on his last day at work, so it was good to be able to say farewell. I got back home a little after 12:30. I'm not sleepy now tho, so all is well. We listened to Straylight Run on the way home. Dear God, i love float away music.

Armor For Sleep and The Wedding are playing tonight. *this is me being excited*

Sun, May. 15th, 2005, 12:58 pm


The Keys to Your Heart



You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.





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Fri, May. 13th, 2005, 01:51 am
This is called "Sandra updating for the sole sake of updating".

I didn't go to school today. It's a long story but i simply could not go. I slept in until one o'clock in the pm. I ate some Ramen noodles. i'm telling you what i ate as if you care. silly me, silly me.

I got lucky tonight. No, not like that you perve faces. I went to work simply to find out that i wasn't even on schedule, so i got the heck out of their before they could ask me to stay. I went to good ol' Wal*Mart and bought The Page Master, some eyeliner,some BUBBLEMINT gum, and some blank cd's. so yay for me. I bought 4 three-packs of BUBBLEMINT gum for $5. Can you say deal?

I saw some lovely bands at the soundstage tonight. it was great and a half. i got to hang out with nic-nak-olade. "Trev-rawr" was wearing the same shirt as me tonight. we were twinkies on accident. It was funny but now i'll have to inform him before i wear it. you know, so that we don't make a habit of dressing alike.

We all went to Waffle House tonight after the show. It was my second time in a waffle house in my whole life. The first time i went with jase. anywho, that keegan (sp?) kid with the cool hair was there. i'm envious of his hair. i don't think i could sport that as easily. So we were going to eat but my debit card wouldn't work in the dumb machine so i didn't order any food but the lady gave me free food. this has been one lucky day. I got a surprise day off of work, a brave new heart cd for $3 instead of $5, and free waffles.

last note: i gauged my ears again... i think i'm at 6's now.



g'night dears. i'm sleepy now.

Thu, May. 12th, 2005, 03:14 pm
i'm so ljxcore

Well well well.

i didn't go to school today, kidos. I didn't close my eyes until about four. Yes, another night of arguing with my mom endlessly. At least we always fix it, right? so i slept in until 1 today and i got to miss that dumb spanish test that i'm not looking forward to. so yay for that.

thrice is on the tv right now. i miss listening to them. they were my last summer's band i suppose. i wonder who i will choose to fall in love with this summer. maybe the wedding.... or mae, or armor for sleep. all i know is it's going to have to be something happy and colorful, yea cuz i'm lame like that. i miss the used too. they used to be my all time fave... and then their second cd came out. it was tragic. i felt like wearing a black dress and having a funeral. i didn't tho b/c they might redeem themselves on their third. a girl can dream, right?

hmm... i need to format this lj of mine. it's boring... in capital letters. but i'm too lazy to go back and fix it. no, i just don't feel like it b/c it's funny that it's not in capital letters.

AMBER'S HOME! i'm going to go harass her now. rub it in her face that i'm going to live in illinois again and get to go to kiss the sky. woo and yay.


bye bye all

Thu, Apr. 21st, 2005, 07:33 pm

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Tue, Apr. 5th, 2005, 04:30 pm

i'm a traitor

Wed, Mar. 30th, 2005, 01:40 am
new hair

lets kiss like strangers under a dieing tree. we share messy lips and diseased tongues that i can't wait to forget. our touches are decaying as soon as they are opened like cans of ripe fruit sitting in flavorless water. i throw my legs over your cage like rips that imprison a hungry heart waiting to eat me alive. cup your hands and catch my ashen tears while they fall and burn, fall and brand. bite my lower lip again and keep it from quivering until you are gone and don't have to see me beat myself over the head with frozen lullabies in my empty bed. you're my pill. you'll never be the answer and you'll never get the job done. Dive fast and break your neck in the shallow waters that make up my thoughts. I have no choice but to break. Why not break you along with me? Our bones can crack together and i will mend myself with some tape and glue, so that i can parade myself to the next stranger.

Won't you follow me to my lovely tree?

Wed, Mar. 30th, 2005, 01:37 am
new hair

there's a dull pain in my mouth and a throbbing at the back of my head. one more big change gone wrong?


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so this would be the new hair.... i'm not sure that i like it

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it will take some getting used to i suppose...

Sun, Mar. 27th, 2005, 03:13 am
depression is never the right word... lost is all there is

it's useless. i'm useless.    don't fucking hold me,    don't fucking touch me.      

                                                                                                                                             don't breath my name

                                        i don't want you to want me

 

forget me...                                                                                                 ....i'm poison

 

                                                                              i snatch you up like guilty candy

                                                                                                                             and store your wrapper in my pocket for a reminder

 

                                                 

           i don't need another stick to beat myself with

                            (blood fucking red)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thu, Mar. 24th, 2005, 12:15 am

every word you say is taking me from here. i'm thinking about every letter that has ever had the pleasure of pouring out of your fingers, every thought i've been lucky enough to be a part of in your head, and all the songs i have ever had dedicated to me, or sung in my name. I have all of these thoughts about thoughts floating around and bouncing off cream white walls and being cushioned by pink pillows, in this sphere shape that i call my skull. All of these pondering pests scrape away at the bone and carve in the word "lucky" six centimeters deep so that i will never forget.
your eminence haunts me like the perfect dream.

Thu, Mar. 17th, 2005, 05:29 pm
I seriously love these guys

to bare arms

Thu, Mar. 17th, 2005, 08:13 am

Confession: i love Bright Eyes and i just found out how to write in Cursive

Wed, Mar. 2nd, 2005, 08:03 am
it's a wonderful...tuesday?

The show last night was wonderful. I don't think i could have enjoyed myself much more. Jamison Parker was more amazing than i could ever have expected them to be. I'm just happy that i somehow managed to make my way through the crowd in time to see those boys hit the stage. I managed to do quite a few other things as well like leave with a set list (days away), two drum sticks (further seems forever, tsl), five pics (1 d.a., 3 tsl, 1 fsf).

but i have to go to school, dears. more info later, loves.

Tue, Mar. 1st, 2005, 08:02 am

mmm hmm...

THE STARTING LINE... tonight

Jamison Parker....................TONIGHT!

 

 

Tue, Feb. 15th, 2005, 10:37 pm

lets talk in grey for now...

... i don't know what i want. it seems as though i never do. its like i'm searching in a big box for something that's just not there. the box is big and brightly colored. it looks so promising. its not my box. it belongs to someone else. everything i find in here belongs to someone else. some other lucky girl and guy. sometimes i feel like i throw all the good things back. maybe that's what i'm doing, taking everything for granted. so whoever wants me is going to have to work. i'm a mess. a complete and utter tragedy sitting in a tangled mess like the thread in my sewing kit.

 

lets talk in color...

... the weather today was nothing short of exquisite. the sun demanded happiness and made any bad blood completely and utterly translucent. it made me feel completely captivated by the world. nothing could keep my mind in one place, nothing. i wish it could feel like this all the time. i long to lay in my hammock every night in these cordory shorts and chat on the phone like i have nothing to worry about except that my checkered pillow is situated just right under my head. so even tho i had thoughts lingering in the back of my mind i still had a reason to smile and that's all that matters i suppose.

the stars were looking exceptionally white tonight. yes, i am a big loser. i stare at the stars and listen to Brand New. there's nothing wrong with that though. infact, it's one of my favorite things to do. i promise you it's marvelous. anyway, back to tonight. it gave me a good feeling when i was out laying in my hammock. it took all of everything off of my mind. it was very humbling. i just need to stop sometimes and realize how small i am. i'm just one little spec in this big world. one little dot in the midst of millions of other little dots who need to realize the same thing.

 

well i've got a wish for all you other little dots. rest easy tonight loves. rest easy. sweet dreams.

 

 

Tue, Feb. 15th, 2005, 05:16 pm

Dear _______,

     i'm really sorry. i just need some time to collect. don't take it personally. please, don't take it that way at all.

     No, maybe that's not it. Well it is. That's just not the complete story. Do you really want to know? Okay. I don't get that feeling when i kiss you. Didn't even get that first time feeling the first time, and the second was the same. What am i going to get without a spark? Nothing. No, i just don't get that feeling in my stomache. There's no easy flowy feeling there at all. I want it there. I do like you. Somethings just telling me that it's not supposed to be there. I'm going to go with that something. Ignoring these something have gotten me into quite some trouble in the past.

     It just feels right to cut it off early. It's the best plan really. I just started thinking last night after you left. I started thinking about everything. I would never want to lead you on. That's why I've decided to end it now while i still have some feelings for you. I'm sorry. Don't get mad at me.

      My next task is to not shoot myself in the face for this. I feel like a jerk. They say I haven't done anything wrong. I just don't know. I really just don't know.

...

Mon, Feb. 14th, 2005, 10:02 pm

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